Life Above Reproach

I found Love-God-and Me

Clopher Dotson

            Growing up is supposed to be fun and adventurous when you’re young.  We don’t think that what other people are going through is more important than what we want, or what we want to do, or go through. 

            Our parents have all the responsibility and we have all the fun.  Why do we think like that?  I began young being selfish and jealous, even mean to my younger siblings.  My home life was not fun to me, there was no outward expression of love that the untrained (I) could see.

            My father abused my mother, my mother abused me and my four brothers.  In a normal day, fear becomes something you hide.  Abuse is socially acceptable, and then comes shame and humiliation.  The hurt and fear and shame builds up inside because I had no one to tell, I didn’t understand.  Being around our peers, we learn good and bad things.  God and bad habits.  I mostly ignored the good.  Most of what we learned is bad for us, but this is where we get away to first pretend to society that everything at home is alright and we’re normal.

            We learn to curse and lie; argue and fight those we love at our homes first.  So, in our “kid” world we know what to do to fit in, sometimes.  We curse and lie, smoke cigarettes, drink, and even use drugs just to fit in.  I wasn’t taught hate, racism, or how to be a bully openly by my parents. I wasn’t taught love either; but then again, I was, it was the “I’m his parent, I’ve got to care for him,” kind of love.  The example of love for me was “I take care of you, feed you, cloth you; and I don’t have time or the strength to show but one emotion, anger.”

            This of course was the attitude I first adopted at home. Beating up and bullying my younger brothers and sisters, and denying I hurt inside.  I took those same attitudes I didn’t want to face out in my peer society.  Because everyone I hung out with at school had similar issues; just not the majority or functional students.

            Class clown, church every Sunday, and the bigger older bullies are now bullying me.  I’m afraid now.  At some point you’re going to bow down and allow those things to cause you to ask for help or you function in the peer society the best way you can.  I fought back; and when I grew up, I killed a bully.  I didn’t know I was capable of doing something like that.  Killing somebody is a terrible crime.

            Where did I get this anger and disrespect for human life?  From the evil spirit and the disregard for good, love, and the law that I witnessed and experienced growing up and didn’t respect. I believe it came from my family, my peers, my friends, and mean racist police; yes, our society helped to make me who I became.  I needed spiritual restoration.  When evil and the devil take over your spirit, you blame everyone else for your crimes, but yourself.  Who are we to blame when no one nurtures the ignorance of your uncertainty about how to act or what to do?  I now blame bad choices.

            My father never cared that his eight kids saw him beat up their mother, the woman he was supposed to love.  Nor did he care she took her pain and abuse out on his five sons.  Neither of my parents taught us the importance of education and working hard to live better.  How do we learn or know what we’re going to face in life if no one teaches us the right way?  By example?

            I was 18 years old. I had never been to jail, although I went to a police station for stealing a car.  I couldn’t even drive.  I wrecked the car, that’s how I got caught.  My mom came and got me.  I ended up with a juvenile officer who treated me like a man.  He took me to the YMCA, made me a leader in training.  That’s where kids of all races who were in trouble were taught how to play and work as leaders among the “not in trouble kids” that came to the Y.  My P.O. was a Christian who tried to save me.  The guys and girls who could swim were given jobs as lifeguards.  Those who were outdoor types, did the cleaning and painting jobs, and raking leaves and stuff.  Those who were favored worked behind the desk handling money, selling YMCA membership cards, and putting mail in the grown employees’ mailboxes.  This was the job I got; I was favored.  Dumb and out of control, I stole the checks I was entrusted to put in those mailboxes.  The respect and love I got after complaining I never felt loved, I betrayed my P.O., my mom, but most of all, myself.  I was a probation failure, but did my P.O. lock me up?  No!  He fired me from my paying job “Leader in Training” and barred me from the YMCA.  He said that I set a bad example to the other kids.  He could do that because he made my being barred a choice.  It was either that or juvenile hall.  I’ve got to tell you, being considered untrustworthy to be around the accepted honest people that I liked was emotionally painful.  I told the gang I was in that I was off probation, but what I was actually off was the “desirable and most likely to succeed, right track of life” list.  Two years later, I was in prison for murder.  I was 18 years old and had never been locked up. 

            Let me say this, I’m 68 years old and I’m in prison right now.  I sold drugs, did burglary, been a bully, addicted to women, money, crime, and hating other races; but I’ve never been so hooked as I am now on God.  I’m 18 years clean of dope.  If you don’t know there are rules no matter what you do, you’re living a fool’s life.  My house, your house, jail house, White House, our lives are built around laws, rules, love, good, bad, and ugly.  The devil is a liar!  Yes, a liar!

            When my father died, I hated him because he abused my Mamma and neglected me and my brothers and sisters.  I was on my way back to prison when the mother who abused me and couldn’t say, “I love you,” told me about Jesus.  She said, “I love you son, God has changed my life.”  I started to cry.  My mother was in the City of Saint Louis Missouri, and I was in the county jail on my way to prison and we’re crying over how she just told me those words.  Remember this, I cried more for the relief I felt knowing we had both changed.  Even though I was on my way back to prison in California and Mamma was in Missouri, I knew she loved me.  I knew it!  I could feel her love healing my emotional scars.  I knew God had been the reason that I was pouring out tears of repentance over letting go of the hate; and I felt joyful inside, crying, my nose running, and all I thought of was, “now I’m free.”  I’m free to have no fear of shame, hate, bullies, drugs, or love.  Today God and Jesus live in my spirit and heart.

            I’m never going back to the prison of hate, drugs, hurting others or hiding my pain.  I confess to you I sin every day.  I love everybody, even when they don’t want my love.  That’s it! The devil is a liar!  We want love, we just don’t think we deserve it.  People, bullies, rapers, killers, abusers are all God’s creatures, and all want to be loved.  So, do you, right?

            Yes, I sin every day and the bible says that it’s our nature to sin.  But if we close our eyes, get on our knees, and pray to God in Jesus’ name for forgiveness and mercy, God will give you the gift of grace and forgive you.  Your prayer of faith and your love for God helps us to live a lifestyle pleasing to God.  He will help you stop practicing being bad.  God will give you the Holy Spirit to guide you in life. 

            I want you to know that I know God and that Jesus loves us and that He died for every sin you will ever commit.  Jesus paid for all our sins, crimes, and is the healer of the lost, the poor souls in bondage to sin.

            Do you want to tell somebody how angry and hurt you are and about how no one cares or loves you?  How no one hears you or understands you?  Sure, we do!  Let’s go to God in Jesus’ name together.  Let’s ask God to forgive us and love us.  “Father God in Jesus’ name, I ask for your forgiveness and love.  I am sorry I messed up, but I want to leave my old way of living and live the way you want me to. You died for me Lord and I want to be free to love you to.  I want to be an example to parents, my siblings, my peers, the bullies, my friends, and my enemies showing that the power of the living God can make a dark, black heart full of beauty and light.  Lord, I want to be adopted by you, and love my neighbors as myself.  Will you give me a heart like Jesus’ so I can help others know your unconditional love?  Thank you for changing me and thank you for saving me.  Thank you, Father God, for setting me free.  I pray for every man, woman, and child to one day soon know the love I feel today for the one true God Jesus Christ.  Amen.

            It’s my loving duty brothers and sisters to warn you and show you that you are under the attack of the devil.  God sends angels to bring you to Him to be loved, and so you can see how much God loves you by showing God’s love in you to as many people as you can. 

            The angel, God sent to me when I was 16 years old, was my juvenile probation officer.  I thought he worked for Po-Po Juvenile Detention, and the YMCA (Young Men’s Christian Association).  He was working in jobs, not for Po-Po, but for God, so he would be where God wanted him to be to save us who were lost, alone, and in pain because we didn’t feel loved.

            I pray that all of you become angels of the Most High God, and use your experiences of suffering, hurt, pain, bulling, hate, and rejection to save someone from becoming who you are today.  Show the world what the love God is by what you represent.  Be blessed!