About God, Cleo, and Life

By: Clopher Dotson

 

Hello, everyone!  I pray you all are thinking about who you are now, and who you are going to be one minute from now.

If I were to tell you that you can become better when you start taking responsibility for what your role was for you being where you are, would you agree?

When I was younger and coming into my own ideas about who I was, who I wanted to be, and what I wanted to do, I thought I knew what was best for me.  I believed I had my life all figured out.  Have you ever felt like that?  I felt like no one understood me or cared how I felt.  I was a loner!  Most of the time I felt alone, even though I came from a large family.  Sometimes I even felt unloved.

I do not know the circumstances of your personal situations, but I do know each of you played a key role in your future or destiny in life.  Each of you plays the lead role in the story of the rest of your life.  Think about this.  Are you the reason you are where you are?

My first crime was stealing.  No one made me steal. I just broke the law because I wanted to, but I never thought I would get caught.  I believed I was smart enough not to get caught.

Our lives are made up of a society, family, friends, neighbors, and strangers who are all expected to obey rules and laws, which applies to the young and the old.  Now I ask you, is disobeying the rules why you are where you are?  Most of my life I was a rule-breaker.  That is why I am in prison today.

I blame no one for where I am because I put myself here.  Sure, I was neglected growing up, bullied, and abused.  However, the decision to rebel against my parents’ rules, i.e., do not smoke, do not drink, do not do drugs, do not skip school, and do not commit crimes were all choices I made on my own.  In the end, I was in denial that the chastisement I received was a fault of my own as well.  A criminal’s life is the road to insanity.  As I got older, I refused to follow the laws of my household until I was asked to leave.

As you guys and girls grow older and smarter, some of you will realize that no matter where you go in life there are rules and laws you will be required to follow.  Thinking I that was all grown up in my parents’ house caused them to kick me out at 16 years of age.  So, then I became homeless, and I was sleeping on the streets or whenever someone’s parents would feel sorry for me and let me stay there.

I have been in trouble for 50 years.  Now, I am stealing to eat.  No one took care of me better than my mother.  There were eight of us and mama made sure we had food to eat, and she looked out for us.  These are simple things you may say.  These little things I missed especially on cold lonely nights on the floor of a vacant house or on the ground or in a bed not my own.  Had I not been rebellious, defiant, disobedient, and selfish, I would have realized my parents loved me enough to keep us all together.

One day I came home drunk and high on dope.  My mama could see I was wasted.  She had asked me for years not to come into her house under the influence, but I continued to do it. I got beat for this, yet I continued to challenge my mom’s patience and authority.  I had been drinking and getting high since I was 12 years old.  Now I am out of control at 16 years old, though I had some size, I felt I was big enough to question why I was being hit.  I was being abused because my mom hit me with a wooden chair and because of the wine and dope, I felt no pain. I shouted cussing, “Why are you hitting me?”  I could see the fury and outrage in mama’s face.  Her eyes were full of fire and yet watered from her pain.  “Pack your “s” and get out!  I have seven other kids to raise.  If I let you get away with cursing me because you are the oldest, they will all start disrespecting me too.”

My father beat our mama, but even so, she abused us.  It was the only home and love that I knew was genuine.  “Get out!” mama shouted.  I got sober quick!  “Mama, I got nowhere else to go,” I said.  “Get out now!” she said.  I left in tears.

The reason why people do not believe us when we say we have learned our lesson is because our actions do not show we have matured enough to be trusted.  It takes God’s love for us to see that although we intend to change, we may not know how.  In some cases, we lie because we do not know how to say, “I need help.”  Learning the hard way is the path I chose; personally, the most deadly, destructive dope I ever got high on was myself.  Usually, I would not admit this to a living soul, but my biggest downfall was myself.  When your family loves you, they try to assist you and teach you about how to live in this world.  A bed, clothes, food, and love… even a butt whipping is meant to teach us the right way.  Never refuse real love by being proud.

I am telling you; dope is the mindset you choose over being good, honorable, and respectful to the rules, the laws, and especially to our parents.  Our problems begin at home.  You are the victim, only if you allow what you go through to cause you to feel defeated.  Not believing in yourself becomes the “dope” and you have a low value of yourself because you believe the negativity fed into your heart, mind, and spirit.

You are the dope, the drug, the habit that ruins your life.  Your dope is being ignorant when you have the intelligence to go to school, work a job, and be successful just like the society or bully or family members who do it also.  Stupidity is a strong drug against you.  Dope is the metaphor for stupid or loser.  I was following my peers instead of making up my own mind.  My dope was Cleo.  Yeah me!

If I have learned anything after 50 years of off and on in prison, it is that God created me to love and to worship Him.  He loves us to tell you and others about how Almighty God changed my life.  (John 3:16) (Romans 10:9-13)

I was 51 years old when I graduated from high school.  On that day, I realized I was not a “nothing” or “stupid” or “ignorant.”  I knew I was going to be whatever I wanted to be.  You see, God had been calling me all my life.  Why did I decide to write to you?  While I was getting my high school diploma in 2001 at 51 years of age, I had three strikes and this law mandated that I get sentenced to 25-years- to-life in prison.  I was terrified!

Not believing in God at the time, the fear of never seeing my five children, grandchildren, my family again and not being free, terrified me!  I did not want to die in prison.  Crime is not worth wasting our lives in jail!  My mood was angry, self-pity, rejection, lonely; and I appeared to be dead from the loneliness.  No one knew my pain and I did not care about anyone else’s pain either.  I was high on stupidity and shame.  In my depression, I cried a lot in private.

Then one day I cried out to God and begged for His mercy.  “God, if you’re real, have mercy on me.  If you would change my prison sentence from 25-years-to-life and set me free Lord, I will serve your will the rest of my life.  I will preach and teach others about how loving you work.  I’ll be good,” I cried, and cried.

I was back and forth before that judge for three years.  In the meantime, I began a bible study and prayer time with other men who were going to prison who had walked away from God or who did not know Jesus Christ was/is the Son of God.

Peace and confidence grew on our cell block.  We prayed for the judges’ hearts to be softer toward us.  We prayed for our children, wives, and friends.  We prayed for each other and we all believed God heard our sincere cries for grace and mercy.

In my third year of working for the glory of God, I went to court and got an 18-year sentence in prison.  Fourteen years later after serving God in prison, I was set free.  God showed me mercy and set me free.  God kept me safe, and I did not do 25-years-to-life.  I was free.  Praise God!

But the dope had no respect for what God had done for me.  I dissed God by not giving my testimony concerning God to anybody else.  I did not tell anyone how God had saved me or that I was a Christian for 13 years in prison, a huge mistake on my part.  I went right back to doing what almost got me 25-year-to-life in prison again.  Selling drugs, I was 14 years clean of using and being an addict, but I was still addicted to money.  I was still high on Cleo (me).

I lied to God and I am back in prison with an 11-year sentence for transportation for sales.  My physical freedom lasted only two years because I was high on myself.  Thinking that because I gave up drugs and alcohol, I was better than the users.  I was worse than ever because I broke my promises to the one true living God who never lies or breaks a promise.  Jesus is really God!

My failure to give my testimony about how the love of God changed me was my pride, thinking it was all me controlling the crimes I was committing.  Also, my fear that my associates, peers, and family would not like me if I admitted I believed Jesus died for my salvation to give me a new birth as a child of God.  Fear, lies, and deception are the tools of the devil, the unclean spirit of Lucifer who was once the number one angel of God.  Today he has been renamed Satan, meaning adversary.

Satan and God battled over my soul.  I know this because I am in prison, but I am sold out for God.  It feels so good to say that WOW!  After I got arrested, my 11-year sentence in prison was another blessing because the District Attorney wanted to give me a 40-year sentence.  God said, “No.”

The devil was influencing me back to prison and that was already in motion.  However, God had plans for my life before I was born. (Romans 8:28-30) God is the foundation of my life because Jesus showed me that even a career criminal like me could be loved by Almighty God.  And knowing that, I could truly give love from my broken heart to others and allow them to absolutely love me.  That opened my eyes for real!  I knew God was loving me and fighting for my soul.  My siblings, my mom, and friends showed me love.  Still, no one knew I was a Christian, oops except for God and my mom!

While on bail, I went to a family reunion.  I have lived in California since 1986.  So, by 2015, I had not seen my mother, my ten brothers and sisters, nor my two daughters in 30 years.  My oldest daughter, Marlo, paid for me to stay three days in a hotel.  My brother, Felix, paid for my $500 plane ticket.  I met everyone and was treated well, even after I had been away so long.  My youngest daughter, Latoisha, and her mother, Belinda, are who God spoke through.

My only two daughters had never met.  Marlo was born in 1968 and Latoisha in 1976.  My baby brother, Edward, Marlo, Latoisha, and myself, Cleo, were standing in front of Belinda’s house when she arrived home from work. Right away after the introductions, Belinda (Cookie) reached out to me and said in a soft voice, “I want you to go to church with me tomorrow.”  God spoke right there, and I said, “Yes!”  My understanding of what God’s love is becoming clear ever since that day. God used Belinda, my Cookie, to lead me to church.

While in church my daughter, Latoisha, told the church that God had united her with the presence of her father coming back into her life after 30 years.  She surprised me with that move.  I realized I had felt unloved and so did Latoisha because I had been a deadbeat dad, a missing part of her life.  My daughter loved me anyway and I was able feel her love.

Marlo and I stayed in the same hotel and shared Chinese shrimp fried rice.  She and I were born and raised in the same area of town. I knew all her uncles.  I had some of her cooking and spent the night.

On the Saturday morning before that, I had waffles, bacon, eggs with milk and orange juice that Miss Cookie (Belinda) cooked.  While she cooked, I wrote her a poem called “The Beauty of Loving You.”  She said, “It is pretty, you know what?”  I said “What?”  She said, “You spelled my name wrong.”  When I tried to correct my error, she said, “I love it just like this.”

Church was the next day, and then Monday came.  I said my goodbyes and Latoisha and her husband, Patrick, who drove me to the airport with my brother, Felix.  The preacher and I left St. Louis, Missouri and came back to California.  It was a sad, lonely flight. I did not want to leave. I was not supposed to leave California because I was on probation and due in court on new drug charges soon.

Although I was a born-again Christian, I practiced a sinful life by disobeying God.  Honestly, I was feeling guilty for lying to God.  After being a Christian in prison, my new court case proved to everyone who loved me that I had not changed.  When I told my mom, I was on my way back to prison she started crying over the phone.  It was so moving I began to cry too.  My mama was the one that led me to Christ the day my father died on April 27, 2001.  I was moved because it was the very first time that I can say I knew my mom was crying for me, not because of me.  I have no memory of mama ever crying except while suffering abuse at my father’s hand.

My heart was heavy to hear her crying over me – for me.  I felt the spirit say she is afraid she may die before she sees you again.  A fear came over me and I did not know what to do about how I felt.  So, I made up an excuse and hung up the phone.

Let me correct this.  All the love I got while being with my family, my mom, and daughters, were a part of God’s plan.  He wanted to get me back to seeking Him, knowing Him, and living His Word of faith in Jesus Christ.  Loving God is true love.

Belinda called me two weeks later to tell me she still loved me even after 30 years of not having contact with me.  I felt love for her too, that is why I wrote her the poem.  However, I had no plan to be with anyone while in prison.  I had to tell Belinda and Latoisha that I was on my way back to prison.  Our daughter stopped speaking to me and that hurt me.

I finally had found something that I wanted more than money, sex, or drugs.  I wanted the love of my daughter and her mother, and the respect of my mother.  God had finally touched me with something I could not get without Him.

Belinda told me we could try dating, but she had to get to know me all over again.  She also told me she had a love relationship with God and that God was her only one she had in her life in the last 18 years.  For her, no sex without being married ever again.  That blew my spirit up! I had never heard any other woman that I had ever known say God was the reason she did not want sex with a man.  Father God allowed me to hear what she said like this, “I love you Cleo and you’re the father of our daughter; but unless Jesus Christ is Lord of your life and you serve God’s will, you can’t touch this!”

I immediately said, “I’m a Christian!”  She said, “Yeah right, you do not act like it! God bless you.”  In other words, I am gone from this conversation of love because all my life you have been a liar, a thief, a deceiver, ungodly, and undeserving of real love.

My daughter nor my three sons knew I had come to God because I showed no signs of change working in my life.  When I got sentenced to 11 years, I wrote them all.  Only my mother wrote back and was the first to send me money.  For four years I called and begged and prayed for Cookie’s love, for my children’s love, and respect.  Latoisha, my baby girl, is the daughter of Cookie, the woman who I long to marry.

One day in orientation, a Christian drug counselor, an inmate with a life sentence, spoke about a mentorship program that he was taking to become a drug counselor; and I wanted to be that.  I have sold drugs, used drugs, and transported drugs.  My happiness never became a reality, until I heard my Christian brother speak about the many job offers that he has even though he had a life sentence.

The Holy Spirit spoke to me… “That is a job,” God says, “with all your years in crime, drugs, alcohol, being abused, being an abuser, a liar, and thief.  You can do this.”

When I applied for the Drug, Alcohol, Substance Counselor Training, I was rejected because I had not been in prison three years yet.  I prayed for God’s help and confessed my sins and turned my life and heart over to serving God’s will.  I got in!  As of today, I am in 12-Step Recovery program, AA, even though I have been clean of addiction, I had acted out by selling and transporting drugs.  I am using the AA program for experience because my goal is to be a facilitator counselor for young teens when I get out.  I plan on using God’s programs.

Some of the others programs I have participated in are—the Life Above Reproach Discipleship Program (a 32-week session) in three levels of sessions: basic, advanced, and small group facilitator and training in Tumi, The Urban Ministry Institute, a three-year college courses to become a preacher/minister.  I study God’s Word now.  God’s Word is a must.  My testimony is a must by faith to please God.  (Hebrew 11:6) (Matthew 10:32-33).  After I complete my AA classes as a patient, I am taking up the facilitator class because I am in a Christian-based AA 12-Step.

As a counselor, I will be able to help parents, children, my community, and myself by giving back to us all.  The love God has given me is to share with others.  My prison counselor has agreed to help me get back to St. Louis, Missouri straight from where I am here in Solano.  Praise God, He is worth our praise, all our praise!

God began to show me that loving Him allows others to see the change in me.  My brother offered me a job making cabinets and fixing up houses starting pay at $15 an hour.  I am hoping with God’s help, and I know He will, I will get into a transitional house for one year.

My two daughters and one of my sons write and/or talk to me over the phone and so, does my mother even though she beat me and put me out.  Every day that I have been in prison, she has given me her true love. Remember, my mama introduced me and brought me to Jesus.  I am preaching to you because I know she loves me right along with God.

This time in prison, I have submitted to God, and I have done the good work that God commands a child of God.  Finding your place in life in this world must include love, giving, and receiving love according to God’s promises, principles, and His divine nature.

Belinda (Cookie) and I are talking about many things, but our conversations and prayers together about God is our mutual high.  She says because of the changes she has seen (spiritually) makes me the man she desires to marry.  Hallelujah!  I am not on dope no more.  My high is loving Jesus Christ and loving Cookie and you all!