Life Above Reproach Testimony

By Robert Ong

Who are you?  What are you?  Why am I here?  What am I supposed to do?  What is the reason for this ache in my heart? These are the questions I asked myself when I was young, but I never received meaningful answers.  I learned at an early age that others, even those that are supposed to care and protect us, can be mean and hurtful.  I came to realize that I was different in the eyes of many grownups and almost all of my peers.  Being the product of a “mixed marriage” can be confusing when you ask yourself, “Who am I?  Why do they keep calling me names with snarls on their lips?”

My first instinct was to withdraw inside myself and shut down my feelings to a more controllable level.  I have since found that these thoughts inside my head and these feelings in my heart that hurt so bad would not go away, but only fester and cause more pain.  At 11 years old, I started to smoke.  At 12, I added drinking to the mix; and at 13, I found that pain killers and diet pills were a good temporary escape.  When the fog clears, the pain is still there.

The mask of avoidance is firmly in place; and denial, lying to myself and others, has become second nature.  Running from my problems seemed like the best solution.  So for the majority of my life that’s what I did, run.  I ran all the way from California to Florida, and back.  Every place I stopped, the same thing happened.  Each and every time I would begin a relationship saying to myself this one would be different, it would seem like it at first and feel so good that it would scare me.  Then I would increase my drinking and/or drugs until I hurt the one I professed to love, and/or I would break another law and go to jail.  The cycle goes on; and the pain gets worse.

There were too many DUIs and “blackouts.”   Later, I was arrested on four counts of assault with a deadly weapon.  The “blackout” was different, and it came with serious consequences.  My lawyer was able to reduce the 29 years they wanted to give me to 12 years and 8 months; but when you are 64 years old, it seems like a life sentence.  This changes everything!

All that I had been running from all my life came rushing in and found me guilty, naked, afraid, and alone.  Rock bottom!  I spent many days in despair and nights in shame, until I finally started searching my soul.  One night in jail, I asked to go to a prayer meeting and it was there that I found the Lord.  After hearing His loving Word and Him touching my rocky heart to begin the healing process that only He could do, I confessed my sins and gave my life to the Lord.  Praise the Lord, God is good!

For the last 2-1/2 years, I have had questions and ups and down with my faith and belief.  But with the help and conviction from the Holy Spirit, My Lord, My God and the guidance and fellowship from my brothers in Christ, I am more determined to have a closer relationship with my creator and Savior.

This has brought me full-circle to the questions I had as a child.  Who are you?  I am a grateful believer in my Lord Jesus, a saved sinner, and a pilgrim in this world.  What am I?  I’m a child of God and a member of His family.  Why am I here?  God’s purpose for me is unfolding slowly every day and in His time while I nurture our relationship and He calls me closer.  What am I supposed to do?  I am here to glorify God, love Him above all else, and to share His love with others.  I have come to accept that without Jesus, I can do nothing and He is my reason for being, now and for eternity.  What is the reason for this ache in my heart?  My creator put it there so that I would seek and find that nothing would ever comfort that ache except His love and grace, and that I may find my way back to those loving arms.