My name is Troy Brian Joseph Sr. and I am 41 years old.  I am married to Angelica (my Angel), and we have an 11-year old son whom we call Brian.  This is the testimony of my life, and the goodness of my Lord given His grace to one who didn’t deserve it.  This is to show the world His love for a sinner like me.

I was born in San Francisco’s Haight and Ashbury’s District to an alcoholic mother, who liked and used drugs of all kinds.  Before my younger sister and I were born, my beloved Mom gave up for adoption four of my siblings.  My Aunt Charlene adopted them all so we thought we were cousins until we got old enough to hear the truth.  My younger sister and I grew up in poverty, never having a full refrigerator or a room to call our own.

Parties with loud music, motorcycles, drugs and alcohol, along with many other inappropriate things were the daily norm.  The police were often involved and I grew up in an atmosphere of violence.  Mental or physical abuse was constantly around, which made my childhood full of fear and terror.  I can remember always having one thing for certain, and that was my sister to hold onto.  Regardless of how many houses we moved in and out of, how many boyfriends my Mom brought home, how many physical altercations we lived through, she was the one constant.  My sister and I held each other together through all the trials and tribulations.  We bounced around from one family’s house to another, always looking for donated clothes and food to sustain our lives and daily needs.

My Mom was Mormon, but not practicing the faith.  My Father is Jewish, so needless to say my religious upbringing was confusing from the very start.  My Father left before I was 1 years old and there was never a positive male role model for me to look up to for guidance.  When my Mom did finally remarry, it was to the bartender at the local bar.  We never went to the same school for more than two years in a row, let alone any church on Sunday.  I do remember my Mom showing up at school to pick us up and she would always be high on something.  Thereby, making a fool of her and embarrassing my sister and me.  I also recall having to make her a drink (no ice — no  water — no soda) just so she could get out of bed to get us to school.  By living in that unimaginable environment, I became a people-pleaser just to avoid any conflict.  I was scared all the time!

Just before I started high school, my Mom and Stepfather changed their lives and got sober.  Life as we knew it turned much better, for a while.  We finally had a full refrigerator, but as soon as I got my own room, I had to share it with one of my brothers (formerly my cousin).  This started resentments in my life and I began getting angry, so drinking and smoking became everyday life.  I smoked my first joint at age 8 and my first drink was at age 12 even though I hated drugs and alcohol.  I just wanted to be cool and fit in, but instead, I enjoyed the euphoria too much and became a blackout drinker by the age of 15.

I graduated from Franklin High School in 1990 and joined the U.S. Navy to see the world and hopefully to improve my life.  In our first port call, on the first night out, I never made it back to the ship until the next day.  I had duty that day and got into trouble for dereliction of duty for still being drunk and unable to work.  I was put on restrictive leave and I couldn’t leave the ship unless my boss was with me and we were going to an AA meeting.  So my first meeting was in Hong Kong when I was only 19 years old.  10 months before I would have received my honorable discharge I got kicked out for a positive drug test—marijuana.  I lost my GI Bill and most of the benefits I had coming to me.

So now I’m still angry with resentments that I never dealt with properly.  I became an adrenaline junkie trying to fill the hole I had in my heart.  Motorcycles, skydiving and fighting anybody for any reason were a couple of the things I would do for temporary satisfaction.  I couldn’t keep a job for very long and I would move whenever people started to get to know me.  The start of my county jail tour came as all those things got to me.  I was in denial about my alcohol and drug use.  I rationalized, justified, and blamed all my problems on the way I was raised.  I didn’t like God then because it was obvious He didn’t like me.  I tried to believe there was a God, and I desperately needed Him in my life, but I had not hit bottom yet.

I knew how I could fill that hole.  I would get married and have a kid.  Since I was a carpenter and was making good money, I felt stable enough to start this family even though I was troubled inside.  My Angel and I had our son and life looked good to my eyes.  Then my best friend died, and I lost control of all my emotions.  My attitude went from bad to horrible.  I started disrespecting everything I loved, and the result was losing it all.  First, my wife left me and took my boy with her (which was the smartest thing she could do for our family) because I was out of control.  Drugs and alcohol had taken over my life.  I still had unresolved childhood issues that kept me angry and I remember thinking to myself that this was the life I had to live.  No changing, I just had to suck it up and not give in.

Then, because my Mom gave into her addiction years earlier, she died at the early age of 56.  I was living with her, drinking and doing drugs with her.  And when she died, I was fighting with her.  I never got the chance to tell her I loved her regardless of how I had disrespected her.  I was lost while angry at everybody and everything.  I felt like it was me against the world!  I hadn’t worked since my wife left me so I ended up on the streets.  I fit right in with the homeless people, only caring about one thing and that was to get high on anything we could get our hands on.  Fighting my way to the top of the hill was what I thought I had to do.  I ended up digging in garbage cans to get high.  I didn’t realize my heart was full of poison and I needed help.

Then the unthinkable happened.  I beat up a friend because he owed my other friend $15.  After being in the hospital because he needed brain surgery, he left the hospital and got drunk.  He was found dead on the streets later that day.  I was charged with murder!!!  Killing myself was one of the first thoughts I had, so I really needed help at the time.  Someone whispered in my ear that my son needed a father.  I needed something since coming off the drugs and alcohol so I got on psych meds.  I stopped exercising and gave up on myself when I took the 8-year aggravated assault deal I was offered by the court.  I stayed on my rack for the first three years, doing nothing but eating and sleeping while still doing drugs.  I jumped off my upper rack and hurt my back because of the lack of activity.

I finally got off my rack and started walking laps.  At the same time, I started opening up to my Bunkie and he invited me to church to hear him sing.  While we were there, he introduced me to a friend who facilitates the Love Lifted Me Recovery Twelve Step Bible Based Recovery Program, so I got on the waiting list.  Another whisper in my ear told me if I didn’t change my attitude about life and all it involves, I would be like most convicts, in and out of prison for the rest of my life.  This place is not where anyone would want to live for eight years, let alone constantly in and out for the rest of their days.

The next thing I know, I have a sobriety date — July 5, 2012.  Now I’m going to church on a regular basis and I got baptized on May 2, 2013.  As my mind began to clear from being clean and sober, I slowly began to realize the hole I had dug was deep.  This is where God stepped in and put positive thoughts in my mind, which led to positive actions on my part.  This is where life, as I knew it, started to change for the better.  As the days of being sober grew, it became easier and easier to say “NO” to altering my mind.  I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart as my Savior, so according to 2 Corinthians 5:17, “…he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold all things have become new.”  My sins (past, present, and even future ones) are forgiven and I am now a living testimony of how just a mustard seed of faith in Jesus Christ completely changed everything I once believed in.

Now I am caught up in another cycle, but this one is full of positives instead of negatives.  I have the Spirit inside of me that leads me in all righteousness by letting me know when things are not the way they are supposed to be.  As I learn from the Bible, the more that my eyes are opened up on how these Godly principles can be applied to my daily life to help better society as a whole.  I am no longer part of the problem, but instead, part of the solution.  This was all given to me by the grace of God pulling me out of the hell on earth I created.  I am eternally thankful for this second chance in life because of His unconditional love for me.  I live to glorify and magnify Him and His love for any sinner who diligently seeks Him out.  I am no longer on psych meds and I run about four miles, three times a week along with the rest of my workout.  I have almost 2 years of college, a 3.8 GPA, and I am almost an OSRT Specialist (which means I know computers).  I attend church functions and I have become a facilitator to learn how to better spread the good news of living God and how He loves all who will let Him.  These are just a couple of things my Savior had inspired me to do, but the real work He has done is on the inside.  I no longer look to things to fill the hole in my heart because Jesus has done that.  Even though I am still in prison for one more year, I am a free man with the promise of a good future!  It was not that He disliked me, but the simple fact was that I needed to accept His love for me.  He loves all and is willing to forgive all as long as we repent and ask Jesus into our hearts.

The desire to use drugs or drink is no longer there – THANK YOU LORD – and I live to tell people of this great love for the world.  It is not too late for anyone to give up the fight and go to God.  He loves you immensely and is waiting for you to call out to Him.  Stay with God and live the life He thought of when you were created.  It is a beautiful thing to be in His grace.

G o d   B l e s s   U s   A l l !