A Tale of Redemption

By:  Fred D. Hoff

I lived a life that had gone astray.  I chose to put myself through the muck and mire of a world full of drugs, alcohol, and violence at every turn.  However, I was saved by Jesus, the true Redeemer, who brought me out of darkness into His marvelous light.  This is a story of my journey through death and into life.

Raised in a small town in the Eastern Sierra, I lived a fairly sheltered life as a young boy.  I was born into a Catholic family and forced to attend mass and catechism.  I later became an altar boy, but I had an unhealthy fear of God.  I felt guilt and shame and even condemnation for my sins.  I was taught by my parents to be so scared of God that it made me feel like my innocence was lost.

I left the church at the young age of fourteen and began running from God.  Entering into the drug culture of the early 70s, I lost myself in drugs, sex, and rock music.  Chasing girls became a past-time, but even the slightest form of rejection led to self-esteem problems that are still with me today.  I was just a teenager and my soul was already dead, dark, and depressed.  The loss of self-control was not far behind; and for me, anger and violence soon followed.

Living this life of sin took me deeper into degradation and my own misery.  I was now in my late teens and a full-blown alcoholic and drug addict.  Cocaine, alcohol, marijuana and psychedelics do not mix will with education, so I had to drop out of college after only two years.  My family took me to see a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with chronic depression.

Upon my return home after a summer and fall of struggling in a medicated haze, I began to get slightly better.  I started working at a ski resort in my local area and had a good bit of success in this career field.  Soon I became involved in an unhealthy relationship and got lost in drugs, alcohol, and depression once again.  It was time for me to take my first trip to rehab and to try for a new start.  After six months of clean time, a rekindled relationship with my girlfriend led to choices that began another downward spiral for me.  Breaking up and being rejected brought back so many of those angry feelings that I started acting out.  Fighting, stealing, drugging, and dealing all became my regular way of life.

Shortly after these things, I spent several stretches in county jail, but continued a life without hope.  Whenever I got out, I would return to the bottle and drugs—my escape system.  This finally led to such a sick and forlorn mind that I went back to the mental health department for help.  A further diagnosis of manic depression had me back on medication and that did not sit well with me.  I continued drinking and using street drugs along with my psychotropic medication which only made my mental state worse.  With help from my family and loved ones, I tried drug rehabilitation once more and did well in the beginning.  After becoming involved with a woman in treatment, I was asked to leave the program.  Once again, I started down the road of suffering.  I did all of this to myself, yet I always blamed others.  It was the beginning of the end.

One night, in a drunken and drugged up rage, I took the life of an innocent person.  My life of debauchery had brought me to this.  I was guilty of manslaughter.  When they got me to the county jail, I was so far gone that I was no longer just a threat to others, but to myself as well.  They locked me in an isolation cell for my own safety and in that room was a bed, a sink, a shower, and a Bible.  I call this part of my life, “The Beggar and the Bible.”  I came to know a loving God between reading God’s word, praying and pleading, and yes, begging for the Lord’s forgiveness.  The good Lord Jesus shed His grace on me in that jail cell.  He saved me from a life of darkness and torment, death and despair because of what Jesus did for me on the cross at Calvary.  I was set free from the bondage of sin.  I am reborn and redeemed by the blood of our risen Savior, Jesus Christ the Lord.

My early days in prison were a constant struggle for a young Christian.  The help of mature Christian men that God put in my life relieved me of many of the burdens I carried with me:  addictions, attitudes, and false beliefs about myself and others.

When I came to this prison where I am right now, God began to move in my life in a mighty way.  I was being grown up in the faith by God’s sanctification process where He is molding and shaping me in the image of His son, Jesus.  I began serving in our chapel and continued to be built up in the body of Christ, the church.  Stepping out in faith and leaving the past behind was a big step for me.  Becoming a faithful servant and leader, in our church body, shows God’s grace and mercy in my life.  Now, I can say that I am truly alive.

I have passed through death and into life by God’s healing hands.  My salvation is through the redemption of Christ and faith in His finished work on the cross, which is a gift of grace.  I am born again, alive, and doing the Lord’s work.