Life Above Reproach

Larounce Sanders

To Whom It May Concern:

I’m writing this letter to you in order to keep you from destroying other’s lives that will be emotionally, psychologically, and physically destroyed forever.

Believe me when I say this.  It will be an everlasting effect on you mentally and it will be a “ripple effect” for many generations to come.  A “ripple effect” is an earthquake felt for many miles—”the aftershock”.

When I was at a young age, I never wanted to express my feelings due to being humiliated.  I dealt with a lot of peer-pressure trying to fit in with others.  I felt out of place.  I was physically and verbally abused at home by my father and I was physically and verbally abused by a school bully who tormented me every day.  It got so bad that I tried to dodge him every possible chance I had, and my peers just stood around laughing.  No one ever came to my aid.

I assumed that no one wanted to be my friend and none of the girls I liked wanted to be my girlfriend.  This caused me to develop resentments, rejection issues, shame, and a lack in my self-esteem.  So, I stayed to myself…sort of a loner with my negative self-talk telling myself that I am stupid, ugly, weak, and no one will ever like me because I could not defend myself.  I told myself this over and over which made my anger became rage.

Seeking some sort of attention, support, and validation from others, I started socializing with misfits, criminals and gang-members in search of finding myself.  Once these individuals accepted me as is, I felt good about myself for once in my life.  I felt supported, protected, and wanted and I gave the same in return. I adapted to the gang mentality and codes of being defiant, impulsive, lacking emotional connections and becoming anti-social.

All these emotional and dysfunctional behaviors contributed to the things I learned in my environment at home without ever having a positive role-model.  For many years I was scared to tell anyone how I felt and about how others treated me.  So, I just covered it up with substance abuse which coated my pain until I realized that this only made my situation worse than it was.  Unfortunately, I could not stop my substance abuse.  I became addicted.  I was powerless.

Now looking back at my previous life, I can understand and see how I got to that point.  I allowed the abuse to be suppressed because I had no power to control my life and so I let others define who I should be and what I should do.  The substance abuse and belief in my own negative self-talk was the mask I wore to hide who I really was.

But now I have accepted God into my life and God directs my way.  I no longer allow outside forces to direct my life.  I am responsible for my life in thinking, saying, and doing.  I truly hope this message touches your heart and it may this redirect your pain in life.  We only get one chance, so please make it the right one.

God Bless