My  Testimony

By Jay Copeland

I am writing this from prison where I have been for 28 years.  The dad part is that I deserve to be here for murdering another person.  It took me awhile to figure out where I went wrong and what I needed to do to get right.

I thought I could do everything on my own, make my own decisions, and not have to answer anyone.  I thought I was in control of my world.  I had a good job, was married, had two kids, a house, and two cars.  Life was good.

Then I got fired from my good job and I never recovered.  I didn’t know why God let this happen to me. I was going to church and doing all the right things, I thought!

I needed to talk to someone, like my wife, about being fired and feeling like a failure, but I believed that being a strong man and husband meant keeping my feelings to myself.  Big mistake!  The more I stuffed my feelings, the angrier I became.

Because I didn’t deal with losing that job, I was only able to work for about 6 months in he next two jobs before I was fired from them.  Imagine how much more of a failure I saw myself to be.  So that was 3 jobs in about a year and a half.

I didn’t consider that the people who loved me still accepted me, even though I saw myself as a loser.

The day came when all my anger and frustration exploded into violence and murder.  I went to jail and thought everyone would abandon me because I was now a super loser.  But my family still loved me, and I still had friends who cared.  Even God still loved me and forgave me in Jesus.

I have learned that I need help sometimes and that doesn’t make me weak, it means I am human.  Through many groups and counseling, I can now deal with my feelings and even share them with other men and not feel like I’m less than a man.  Real men get hurt feelings and real men talk about their feelings so they can heal and not hurt others or themselves.

The other part of my recovery, the part that matters most, was getting right with God.  As I learned to trust God with my circumstances, I began to let Him have control in my life.  He was always in control, but I had been fighting against Him.  Now I surrender to His will every day, obey His Word—the Bible, and leave the consequences to Him.

God has blessed me many ways in the last 28 years, the most recent is being found suitable for parole.  I may get out of prison sometime in October or November.

When I get out, I will take all the things I have learned with me so I can live a good life out there.  I know that today, I truly am a fully grown man.  Thank God!

A Friend!